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The Winter of Life

Autumn’s leaves have turned into rainbows and gone their separate ways as the paleness of winter settles. There is a fresh crispness in the air. My cup of steaming coffee mixes nicely with the steam lazily rising from the lake. I stretch my legs up onto the deck railing and lean back in my rocking chair to soak up the winter sun. The chatter of the snow geese invades my consciousness. It has been said that they care for each other. If you are sick, others come to your aid. I wonder what the patient feels. Certainly not a feeling of loneliness. No, I don’t want to talk about loneliness. Well, maybe a little. I think, like the geese, loneliness has a consort. I call it fear. But what is fear? It is a response to a perceived danger-emotional and/or physical. Perhaps it is a fear of the unknown, of what tomorrow will or will not be.

There are definitely times when I’m afraid of not being found if I die and I’m alone. Note that it is not a fear of dying. I guess I just don’t want the decay of my physical self to stink up the place. Fear of not being found if I fall and get hurt. Fear of waking up and having nothing to do, nowhere to go. Fear of no longer having a purpose or a reason for my existence. This is real fear! No longer of value.

The fear of not having a purpose, a reason to live, is so much visible in local eateries where people go for their breakfast. They exist and that’s all. There is a lack of vitality. They don’t even seem to be enjoying the food they’re consuming and barely grunt when the waiter brings the coffee pot around for a refill. Some read a newspaper or a paperback. Have you ever seen them turn the page? Most likely not. It’s a camouflage. A camouflage so no one can see the emptiness in their eyes.

So at almost 85, what purpose do I have in living? I no longer teach and as a healer my clients are few and far between. A woman my age recently revealed that Face Book gave her a life. I shrank. Do I really need to know what someone, halfway around the world, had for dinner? Or that they have been “blessed” with a sixth grandchild? The argument about the value of the Internet goes from indifference to indispensable. Some argue that it separates family life, while others argue that it brings people together. Either way, it provides an outlet for my writing.

And therein lies a purpose. Writing. To write to stimulate others, to challenge their thinking and to provide a sense of empathy. Letting them know they are not alone. Maybe it’s just to let the world know I don’t care!

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