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The Bottomless Pit – Journey of a Depressed Mind
It is a constant sting and confusion that is hard to explain. Something is starting to eat me inside and I can’t put my finger on it. What is my head weight? This is not a topic. I must be sick. Is it the coming fever? No, it’s not. I know it will stay with me for a while. Am I afraid? I am trying to accept its existence. I have been told that better understanding of the disease is medicine.
There is a darkness that sinks and is constantly around. It’s like everything around has turned gray and black. There is no other type. There is no need for any other type. Why do I keep crying? There is no reason to cry! However, this is what it sounds like. Tears should flow. All of a sudden, the fatigue is overwhelming. Every power is running out. My legs are failing and I need to sleep fast. I sleep like there’s no tomorrow, not wanting to wake up because I don’t want to see the world anymore. My bed has been my savior.
What happened to my likes and dislikes? I’m losing interest in everything. All the events happening around me felt like a movie being shot in the distance.
Fatigue has been a big part of my life. How do you explain this to someone? Is there a significant change in my appetite? Diets have changed. I have started to isolate myself.
I feel like dying. This sinking feeling never leaves me. I’m taking a breath. There is a weight in my heart that is causing me to breathe. I feel frustrated – both with myself and with the people around me. Why do others offend me? It is as if I have become as fragile as thin glass, which breaks at the slightest touch. It’s noon. Why am I not hungry? I force myself to eat so people don’t ask. Now, I want to lose. I don’t exist anymore. My existence is disrupted. The invisible line between life and death seems to be playing with me. I still have trouble breathing. I look around, for someone to help me. How do I ask for help? What is it? Do I tell them that my heart is sinking, I can’t breathe, and I feel chronically tired? How can anyone understand this until they hear it for themselves? They will think I am sick or have a fever and will advise me to rest. He will ask me to go out with my friends. How do I tell them that socializing is the last thing I want to do right now? I have this numbing pain in my shoulders and neck. Am I sick?
I drink a glass of cold water. Somehow I feel better as it goes down my neck. I feel a lump in my throat. I look around again. People are busy in their own world. I don’t know how to ask for help. I walk to the bathroom, lock myself in the cubicle and the tears start to fall. Why am I crying? I have everything possible to make my life better. What are these tears for? What do I want from others? If happiness comes from within, where is it now? The questions are endless and there are no answers. My mind has become a jungle of thoughts. I don’t like myself. Yes I do.
Whatever happened to me, the disease is debilitating. Will this kill me, or will I kill myself? Someone once told me that suicide is not a way to escape. I believe in this. What if my soul lives in space for thousands of years? There would be no relief from that. I have to find a way out here. Medicines, yes, help. There are friends, who are ready to sit with me and listen without bias. How do I tell them that even though I long to be touched, I can’t see anyone? Yes, they are contradictory conditions. I want to be with people who love each other and at the same time, every conversation disgusts me. How can anyone understand that?
Now I think about what will calm me down. Walking among the trees, breathing deeply in the open and green color, sounds like paradise. A chat over a cup of tea also sounds like a good idea to me. Good food is always considered a treat. I have to avoid alcohol. Although it may provide temporary happiness, the results can be very disappointing. When I think about these things, I feel that my breathing has returned to normal. I can no longer remember what is happening around me. I hear what others around me are saying. Yes, it’s gone now. I also know it will come again, and I can’t imagine its tempo. I’m scared. However, this is how it is. That’s how special I am.
I am glad that this has made me more sensitive to the opinions of others. I don’t judge people anymore. Yes, I’m taking a deep breath now. My heart is light. I will continue to live my life now. I remember someone saying that we should only believe what our eyes can see. The invisibility of my suffering is a curse that I must endure. Today, I’m moving forward with baby steps, embracing every twinkle that comes my way.
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